The Quest Now Unfolds (Introduction)
It all started two years ago when I fell in love with a girl.
I thought she was the one and I did everything I could to make her happy.
But regardless of how perfect everything seemed as we were caught up the moment, I look back and I could safely say that beneath the emotion she wasn’t the person who I expected... But I was too afraid to leave her and too afraid to admit that.
As time passed I found myself succumbing to a daily effort to pressure her into becoming who I wanted her to be; pushing her to live up to my expectations; be as mature as I am- be like me.
But in the end, she wasn’t wrong for being herself. I was wrong. And if anyone was to blame for being immature at time... it wasn’t her... it was me.
And that’s why she left me; and she was only one thing that broke my heart.... heh.
Separations within my family, divisions within my church... Since then I’ve spiraled down a vortex of sin; mind clouded with a mix of depression, anger, and bitterness. “You’ve changed.” “You’re different.” I was tired of hearing everyone say the same exact thing over and over. These people show so much pity but it doesn’t seem as if anyone truly cares. And because of this, my heart became hard.
Which lead me to hold an immense pride that didn’t allow me to speak to anyone regarding the trials I was going through. I said to myself I didn’t need anyone. I won’t tell anyone. I won’t open up. I won’t be the wrong one and I won’t listen to you. And I was literally all alone. No one to talk to. No one to lean on. No one to listen to me.
And when you’re all alone you start to lose your mind a little bit. You start to think about crazy things and you start craving things. I didn’t fall prey to drugs and alcohol but I did find that excessive amounts of caffeine helped keep me stay awake because I was too afraid to fall asleep. Nightmares, wandering thoughts. I watched the sun rise every morning and saw the tears fall every night. I was studying hard and working hard when I realized all of this is so pointless when life doesn’t even seem like it’s worth living.
So then I traded in my depression for aggression and tried to exert a maximum effort to maintain stability through work and business. I focused all my energy on school; on music; on poetry; on doing shows; kicking raps. And in the process I learned a little more about myself. I learned that I wasn’t created to be alone and I learned that like all hard times, there’s a purpose behind everything; and so I bumped into God again. He challenged me to focus on Him for a little while so I blocked everything out of my life and fasted for a whole month. It was painful. It was a battle. But it was necessary. I hate to say it, but I was mad. I was mad at God for making me go through this. I felt like He left me to deal with these battles on my own but then I found out He never did. He was always there but I wasn’t always.
After several months of finding myself; finding out who I am, I began to break ground. Because of this, I decided to abandon everything that may divert my focus. I focused on God with everything I had and He blessed me in return. He sent people in my life who struggle with the same battles as I do. He gave me the strength to open up to my friends. And because of this, I began to grow. I began to redefine my experiences; and I became stronger in my faith.
I often took the time to take a look back at my past and I uncovered blessings that I didn’t appreciate at the time. My family... friends... the people who were there for me, supporting me. When I was going through my difficult phase I was too blind to realize all the blessings God has set before me; all the people he put in my life for a reason; but I was too stubborn to notice. I reminisce because it’s my form of saying thanks to God; and it’s also my form of asking for forgiveness for being too prideful for not accepting the gifts He’s provided. I’ve made it so far. And I couldn’t have done it without you. I just didn’t know at the time.
So now I’ve finally reached the future.
I still struggle. I’m still depressed. I still battle.
But the difference between the person who I am now and the nak from two years ago...
Is that now... I have hope. And I’m here to share my hope with the rest of the world.
So listen to my story. The quest now unfolds.
from 2009 - 2016,
released April 16, 2017