this track is free. no payment required. donations are not mandatory. support the original creator of the beat. purchase by clicking "buy now" and put "$0" as your price. click individual track for lyrics. prod: @skyhighbeatss video: youtu.be/JWfMq5jufSw now in my darkest moments i long for a call or a text message a post on my wall, a request, mention but nine out of ten my inbox is empty no phone fluorescence no invitation to the pity party i wish i was a part of another night all alone up in my room with the tunes with the moon and the stardust i’m thinking i’m a little ironic i really need a heart to heart but my heart is hardened but i need you most come close but you keep your distance like my guards are armed i’m not your happy-go-lucky companion i’m only tragic what’s left of my passion is slipping through cracks in my fingers like magic i don’t need your help, i’ll be okay you’re too late to save me anyway what kind of hope is left i’m losing control like I’m tokin’ meth a rogue when I roam like i’m boba fett if i’m alone for a sec it ain’t copacetic: i’m mad paranoid and i mourn for the man that i used to be he died and my pride did the eulogy let me "deal" in peace; another pack of cards used to rap from the heart now i rap from the scars i wish i could tell you that i’m in the midst of the will of the father but this ain’t a place i could feel him and i cannot take it no longer someone once told me i worship myself and my lover is comfort so maybe the guilt and the shame that i carry is just that i suffer i’m a liar, don’t you understand my heart is hard so i need to pretend my pride is large but won’t you see me through we need each other but we saying we need each other but i'm saying: i don’t need your help i’ll be okay (you’re too late to save me anyway)

I don't blame God for the mess that I made He don't break hearts or reflect on my shame I became gray: there's no rest in my brain Lay me down to rest with the rest of my faith I did it to myself I'm wide awake because I always stay up I lift my face into the sky, straight up And though the stars above at times will stray When they fall they turn into Estrella All I need is a moment for my heart to listen closer The things we gotta hear are more than often never spoken So we speak in sign language- you know I never listen We hardly in the present; too focused on the closure Holding my composure; master the fermata But couldn't get the peace to come together like we wanted Writing rhymes right and left; bass a treble clef But if you never raise your hands you could never learn to rest There's still habits that I gratify Lovers turn to alibis Habits turn to churches And conviction turns to pantomime It seems the older that I get the lonelier I feel It seems I'm shouldering regrets from things that never healed I'm pondering so often now that I was never saved I'm Pontius how I'm haunted by the faces I've betrayed I made 23 Prayers, I'd take 30 if I could But even Judas took 30, nailed the Savior to the wood

If love is an opulent arms race and bombs only occupy heart rates you’re partly an armory, partly an army triumphantly marching through archways. A fray full of sorrow in harm’s wake fountains of youth in a parched state God’s grace: mountains of wounds will “look to be healed” like a bronze snake. “Awake” is the mind’s ground; dreams are the art that our hearts make blast off to the high clouds and alpha centaurian starscapes. It’s probably more like a harsh flame; a cautery spark when our moms say: “how could you feed your family making the change you collect from guitar cases?” We still in this dark place shame got a bitter and sharp taste the pain is a bottomless lake that swallows our limbs but still we can’t properly swim. Sloppily limp: whether it be my ankles, your knees maybe we ain’t getting weaker but maybe we’re really just lifting these heavier dreams, heavenly things. Struggle started from growing our stubble now throwing a ring on her knuckle we made a ton of mistakes; that should have been fatal God really saves and that made us humble. People may give you advice but don’t understand how you feel ‘cause how could these training wheels relate to a plane, I’m saying, for real? How many nights have we cried? The rain is too heavy to end. How many ways have we tried? Just to be failures again. All of it breaking inside. None of it makes any sense. We want to fly we want to sing but falling has broken our wings. Why? Do we even try? Are you on our side? God, won’t you just remind? Why? Do we even try? Are you on our side? God, won't you just remind? I guess we’ll find out when it’s over but I know that you’re near. And that’s the proof to me that God’s here.

I would mourn too if that rare soul thinks self-slaughter’s that best solution I wonder often why great beauty needs great pain for that “execution.” Life’s paradoxes mock the optics betray the way things arranged like “heads bowed eyes closed:” the same way we pray's the same way we hang. My pain range is no "one-to-ten" if I think to guess, I’m like one-thou I lose sight of myself often as night falls: sundowning. This star falls: no wishes honored armed guard as I kiss the martyr in a dark garden, better pray and watch and if you think you know me, start looking harder. It’s hard for me to be what you perceive oh if you had eyes to see no, it’s not that simple. I miss the old me as much as you. But I’m not sorry. I miss the old me as much as you though but I’m that zombie. I miss the old me as much as you though but I’m not sorry. I miss the old me as much as you though but I’m that zombie. Am I not allowed to change? Who am I to you? At what point did I shine brightly through? My fire inside turned icy blue and all I want to do is stay alive to you so I lie to you as I seize the mic ‘cause I need your liking ‘cause I don’t like me and all these followers are right beside me but Christ reminds me: it takes one “trial” and they’ll all deny me. I ain’t tolerating all your pity, really, I can see through that iris I don’t think you really ever cared about me all you want is what I give. Where were you when all sleep eludes me? Hurt and bruise me while I make you music and I could never change who you want me to be ‘cause I didn’t ever want you to leave. But now I’m free. Where were you when I’m needing sleep? Where were you when I’m needing peace? It’s hard for me to be what you perceive oh if you had eyes to see no, it’s not that simple. I miss the old me as much as you though but I’m not sorry. I miss the old me as much as you though but I’m that zombie. I miss the old me as much as you. I miss the old me as much as you. I miss the old me as much as you. But I'm not sorry. Am I not allowed to change? Just here to keep you safe when your thoughts, need rearranged? Am I not allowed that grace? It’s hard for me to be what you perceive oh if you had eyes to see no, it’s not that simple. It’s hard for me to be what you perceive oh if you had eyes to see: know it’s not that simple.

I've got a black Footlocker locked up in my closet It's topped off with sentimental objects Nostalgia sets within this mental process A little calm when life don't settle often I see invitations to my birthdays Faded pictures from a first date Exotic souvenirs and postcards From my father since he left the boatyard I collected rocks since elementary A message that my bestie sent to me Matching bracelets with my next of kin And letters from a lover- Hester Prynne An aging book with flowers in its pages Maybe placed them there to make a flat arrangement Yeah, the years will press and fade the saturation But we'll never fail, we're only graduating So call me sentimental, yeah probably But this is my philosophy Mom and dad were handed poverty So they taught me not to waste They would always say... Yeah, probably But this is more like my philosophy From planting crops and livestock to eat So they taught me never waste They would always say Sayang Momma never threw away nothing Sayang Poppa never had the luxury Sayang Means that "it's a shame to let it go to waste" but now I'm just afraid to throw away the things that shouldn't stay I'm afraid to throw away what shouldn't stay But something's feeling wrong, it bothers me I think I'm haunted, yeah I've got to be Remember crying on my birthday Seeing my girl crying in the worst way We used to gather on the holidays But celebrating days don't come around as usual We make excuses, plenty "not todays" But now I only see my family at funerals I find it funny back in high school People come and go like the tides do Used to get together at the park at six But when we left, we haven't seen each other since And when my father left, I felt abandonment "What if his ship don't get to land again?" If all the rocks that I collected since a little one Could talk they'd say my heart was turning into one It started with a pocket, grew into a box One turned into two, two became a closet All my problems working out in therapy I should have thrown away but now I carry with me It's hard to get a grip when life's a changing essence Made a mess, but likely never make amends with Dropped em' in a box and hope that I forget them But I won't let it all go Sayang Means that "it's a shame to let it go to waste" but now I'm just afraid Sayang Means that "it's a shame to let it go to waste" but now I'm just afraid Afraid to throw away what shouldn't stay I want to let it all go Afraid to throw away what shouldn't stay I want to let it all go We started from the farm made it to the states Banquets and the cake, always saying grace Grandma used to say (the) rice up on my plate Would cry if I don't eat so I would never waste Mercedes with the lease, we don't see the need As long as we can reach "A" to "Point B's" All the whips are Japanese, the model's obsolete But we won't ditch the keys until the Second Coming Appliances defective, fridge with no convection TV, no reception- VCR might work though Swimming pool is empty, rows of pointless fences Nesting in possessions, decades of collecting Skeletons in closets, shame and sinful causes Pain we kept and bottled, secrets only I know We learned to never waste, to never throw away But now I can't escape the things I should forsake.

My life: I’ve been “looking on” but there’s no "bright side" I’m everywhere but never in my right mind And I don’t want to think of what you all just might find There’s no light surviving me Maybe this is all I’ll ever be when I am loveless I can only be what you could see, so I am nothing I know what I need, but though you reach to me, I shun it Maybe it’s just me… maybe it’s just me Never mind the maybe, plainly, it’s me I never want play the victim, but I make decisions The are based in issues that remain unfixed So maintain your distance, I stay suspicious Forgive me, 'cause I don’t think I get forgiveness My village hidden where the mist is thick So don’t make the trip, ‘cause I’ve slain the bridge And I place my triggers on a vacant list And I pay my therapist to spray with me with it So let me give you one glimpse Most of my life is a fight to be noticed No spotlight, no right to your focus Pops taught me I shouldn’t like my emotions Bottle it up like wine, or a potion, cyanide, poison Pop it, pour me a shot It might kill me or choke me But that’s the cost to be noticed Trying to prove I’m alive to the people who broke me This life is a steady performance, full of confetti and ornaments Plenty embezzled identities, ready to sport ‘em Rocking so many assortments I’m the imposter, all my distortion's Forcing the soul to be “formless and void” I’m quoting the Torah: My mind is like life before “let there be light” Let me light the menorah If I said what I meant, I know ya’ll wouldn’t get it We partly just selfish and I’m no exception My pen is candle, waxing poetic Composing em’ flowers, extracting my essence My fear and obsession's squeezing my neck Unbelievable tension, it feel like depression But clearly, sensing it festering deeper In levels beneath my perception The older I’m getting the more of the stench I’m detecting The more paranoia I end up collecting If only you knew ‘bout the thoughts I’m protecting I bet you’d regret that you'd ever respect me I live in a secret society of frequent anxiety Keeping it hush like we speaking in library God blesses the piety, bless his psychiatry: Demons compete with the SSRI in me It’s better unsaid- don’t express it entirely I’m even appalled by the things in my diary Esteem has been dying; don’t you need to lie to me I’ve been "dead irrelevant,” keep all my ivory I’m kind of alive, I’m outside looking in though A virus, like “I want to run through your windows” I’m not suicidal: not trying to be cynical I just hate how it takes us to die to be visible